← Back

May 8, 2019

#2147: Appendicitis


[Cueball is seated on an medical examination table, clutching his stomach, while Ponytail stands dressed in a doctor’s coat holding a file on a clipboard in her left hand.]

Ponytail: Well, we zapped you with energy beams, and it looks like one of your stupid organs is a traitor.

Cueball: …which one?

Ponytail: I dunno, appendix? Gallbladder? One of the little ones that sucks.

Cueball: What should I do?

[Closeup on Ponytail. She holds her left hand in a clenched fist.]

Ponytail: You could quash the revolt with the ruthless deployment of chemical and biological weapons.

Cueball (off-screen): …antibiotics?

Ponytail: But certain victory comes only through the sword.

Cueball (off-screen): Surgery.

[Closeup on Ponytail with her fists raised.]

Ponytail: While we’re inside, we’ll look around-if we see any signs of insurrection elsewhere, we will not hesitate to act. There can be no armistice. Your parts must fall in line or be crushed.

Cueball (off-screen): Um.

[Zoom out again to the entire scene. Ponytail points her left hand up.]

Ponytail: When the battle is won, we will salt your abdomen so no new organs can ever sprout up to trouble you again.

Cueball: Maybe I should get a second opinion.

Ponytail: Only if you care what a weaker doctor would say.