December 18, 2019

#2243: Star Wars Spoiler Generator

Star Wars Spoiler Generator

[Shown below is a branching flowchart of sorts that begins at the phrase “In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain…”, then flows through various paths to build up a story.]

In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain…

Kyle Ren

Malloc

Darth Sebelius

Theranos

Lord Juul

…with help from their new friend…

Kim Spacemeasurer

Teen Yoda

Dab Tweetdeck

Yaz Progestin

TI-83

Rey builds a new lightsaber with a…

beige

ochre

mauve

aquamarine

taupe

…blade, and they head out to confront the First Order’s new superweapon, the…

Sun Obliterator

Moonsquisher

World Eater

Planet Zester

Superconducting Supercollider

…a space station capable of…

blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one

blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many

cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals

increasing the CO2 levels in a planet’s atmosphere, causing rapid heating

triggering the end credits before the movie is done

They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy…

Boba Fett

Salacious Crumb

The Space Slug

the bottom half of Darth Maul

Youtube commenters

…and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring

a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows

X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl

a Sith educational display that uses Force Lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air

Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one

a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers

P.S. Rey’s parents are…

Luke

Leia

Han

Obi-Wan

a random junk trader

…and…

Poe

BB-8

Amilyn Holdo

Laura Dern

a random junk trader

that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says Gonk