December 18, 2019
#2243: Star Wars Spoiler Generator explain
Star Wars Spoiler Generator
[Shown below is a branching flowchart of sorts that begins at the phrase “In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain…”, then flows through various paths to build up a story.]
In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain…
Kyle Ren
Malloc
Darth Sebelius
Theranos
Lord Juul
…with help from their new friend…
Kim Spacemeasurer
Teen Yoda
Dab Tweetdeck
Yaz Progestin
TI-83
Rey builds a new lightsaber with a…
beige
ochre
mauve
aquamarine
taupe
…blade, and they head out to confront the First Order’s new superweapon, the…
Sun Obliterator
Moonsquisher
World Eater
Planet Zester
Superconducting Supercollider
…a space station capable of…
blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one
blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many
cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals
increasing the CO2 levels in a planet’s atmosphere, causing rapid heating
triggering the end credits before the movie is done
They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy…
Boba Fett
Salacious Crumb
The Space Slug
the bottom half of Darth Maul
Youtube commenters
…and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring
a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows
X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl
a Sith educational display that uses Force Lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air
Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one
a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers
P.S. Rey’s parents are…
Luke
Leia
Han
Obi-Wan
a random junk trader
…and…
Poe
BB-8
Amilyn Holdo
Laura Dern
a random junk trader
that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says Gonk