December 25, 2015
#1621: Fixion
A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment algorithm used by IBM’s Watson computer system.
[[Chart consists of highly complex flowchart, with some states having labeled transition functions, and others having unconditional transitions. Transitions will be placed after the state names for this description]]
Start
-> Draw Blood
Draw Blood
-> Record Patient’s Name
Record Patient’s Name
-> Measure Patient’s Height and Weight
Measure Patient’s Height and Weight
-> Consult Standard Height
Weight Chart
Consult Standard Height
Weight Chart
-> Surgically Adjust Patient To Match
Surgically Adjust Patient To Match
-> Is Patient Coughing Up Blood?
Is Patient Coughing Up Blood?
Yes -> Gather Blood And Return It To Body
No -> Is Patient Still Here?
Gather Blood And Return It To Body
-> Record Pulse Rate
Is Patient Still Here?
Yes -> Record Pulse Rate
No -> Hunt Down And Capture Patient
Hunt Down And Capture Patient
-> Is Patient Still Here?
Record Pulse Rate
-> Is Patient Screaming?
Is Patient Screaming?
No -> Check Blood O2 Saturation
Yes -> Ignore
Ignore
-> Check Blood O2 Saturation
Check Blood O2 Saturation
<50% -> Inject Oxygen
50% -> Remove And Inspect Skeleton
Inject Oxygen
-> Comfort Patient
Comfort Patient
Comforting Successful -> Review Medical History
Comforting Unsuccessful -> Subdue Patient
Review Medical History
-> Skin Grafts
Skin Grafts
-> Count Number Of Limbs
Count Number Of Limbs
Fewer than 100 -> Measure Vitamin D
100+ -> Remove Extra Limbs
Remove Extra Limbs
-> Subdue Patient
Measure Vitamin D
Good -> Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane
Bad -> Blood Loss?
Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane
-> Rinse Patient With Saline Solution
Rinse Patient With Saline Solution
-> Is Patient Phone Battery Low?
Is Patient Phone Battery Low?
Yes -> Defibrilate
No -> Sync Photos From Camera
Defibrilate
-> Is Patient Phone Battery Low?
Sync Photos From Camera
-> Administer General Anesthesia
Discharge Patient {{End State}}
Blood Loss?
Minor -> Patient Address Changed?
Substantial -> Apply Cream
Patient Address Changed?
Yes -> Request Organ Donation
No -> Patient Is Healthy
Request Organ Donation
-> Remove Organs
Remove Organs
-> Discharge Patient
Remove And Inspect Skeleton
Too Many Bones -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient
Too Few Bones -> Request Consult With Human Doctor
Request Consult With Human Doctor
-> Dissect Doctor For Parts
Dissect Doctor For Parts
-> Discharge Patient {{End State}}
Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient
Yes -> What Color?
No -> Squeeze Patient
Squeeze Patient
-> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient
What Color?
Black -> Activate Sprinklers
Red -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level
Green -> Cauterize
Yellow -> Squeeze Patient
Activate Sprinklers
-> Subdue Patient
Subdue Patient
-> Apply Cream
Apply Cream
-> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level
Cauterize
-> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level
Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level
0-8 -> Massage Scalp
9 -> Admit for Observation
10 -> Laser Eye Removal
Other Response -> Sequence Genome
Massage Scalp
-> Patient Is Healthy
Patient Is Healthy
-> Admit For Observation
Admit For Observation
-> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level
Laser Eye Removal
-> Admit For Observation
Sequence Genome
-> Apply Tourniquet
Apply Tourniquet
-> Perform Autopsy
Perform Autopsy {{End State}}