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May 7, 2012

#1052: Every Major's Terrible

Every Major's Terrible

Every Major’s Terrible

To the Tune of Gilbert & Sullivan’s

Modern Major-General Song

(Which you may know from Tom Lehrer’s



If not, just hum



[[Each panel shows a member of a different major. First up is a philosopher.]]

Philosophy’s just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality

And math’s just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.

A business major’s just a thing you get so you can graduate

And chemistry’s for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.

Why anyone who wants a job would study lit’s a mystery

Unless their only other choice were something like art history.

A BA in communications guarantees that you’ll achieve

A little less than if you’d learned to underwater basket-weave

I’d rather eat a Fowler’s Toad than major in biology,


And social psych is worse than either psych



[[At this point the singer is shown talking to a balding professor at a desk.]]

The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable.

Just put me down as “Undecided” – Every major’s terrible.

[[Back to pictures of majors.]]

Now, if you can’t prognosticate, that’s ok in seismology,

But if your hindsight’s weak as well, you’d best stick to theology.

CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.

Virology will guarantee you’ll never get a hug again.

I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.

As Pratchett said,

Terry Pratchett: “Geography’s just physics slowed with trees on top.”

Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,

The Wiki page for “Physics Major” redirects to


They say to study history or find yourself repeating it,

But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.

[[And back to the explanation at the desk.]]

I recognize my four-year plan’s at this point not repairable,

But put me down as “Undecided” – every major’s terrible.

[[More pictures of majors. The astronomer appears to be the Bad Astronomer]]

Astronomers all cringe when they hear “supermoon” or “zodiac,”

Agronomy’s a no-go; I’m a huge agorophobiac.

I’m too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,

And I can’t stomach any part of gastroenterology.

While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,

((This panel is done in free verse))


poetry degree




TV’s behind the rush into forensic criminology

(or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).

By dubbing econ “Dismal Science” adherents exaggerate;

The “dismal”’s fine – it’s “science” where they patently prevaricate.

[[And back to the desk a final time.]]

In terms of choices, I’d say only Sophie’s was comparable.

Just put me down as “Undecided” – every major’s terrible!