November 26, 2010
#826: Guest Week: Zach Weiner (SMBC) explain
In the spirit of xkcd I present a proposal for a new Smithsonian museum:
The Smithsonian Museum Of Dad-Trolling
An entire building dedicated to deceiving children for amusement
(Click to view exhibits!)
The top left room is ‘The Hall of Misunderstood Science’. It contains six exhibits.
Exhibit: A giant basilisk looms over children.
Exhibit label: BASILISKS: Real, deadly, under your bed.
Exhibit: Four magnets hang from a square arch. A child is touching two of them together.
Text on the arch: Magnets only leap at each other when they’re teenagers. Later, they lose interest.
Exhibit: A child on his dad’s shoulders looks up at a looming statue of Jesus behind a lectern. There are flakes falling from Jesus onto them both.
Exhibit label: Snow is Jesus’ dandruff. His scalp gets dry when it’s cold.
Exhibit: A child lies asleep, while hands and a scary face reach up around the bed toward him.
Exhibit label: Sleep: Now you’re vulnerable to the boogie man!
Exhibit: An ice block sits on a stand in front of pictures of a wolf and rhinoceros looking frightened.
Exhibit label: Freezing water: Expands to frighten predators.
Exhibit: An insect on a stick is orbited by a small sphere.
Exhibit label: Anti-matter: Matter that is more than 50% ants.
Exhibit: A DNA strand with the letters T, A, C, and G hanging around it.
Exhibit label: DNA only has four letters because the alphabet was smaller back then.
Dad, to child: Told you so.
Exhibit: A bunch of molecules hang from the ceiling.
Exhibit label: Molecules? In my day, we only had atoms!
The top right room is ‘Regrettable Pranks: An Interactive Experience’. There are four exhibits.
Exhibit: Five balloons float tethered to a table. A child is holding a sixth balloon. The Dad looks alarmed.
Sign on exhibit: If this helium makes your voice go higher, it’s because you’re ten seconds from exploding.
Exhibit: An alien face is shown above an outline of several hands next to a ruler. A child holds his hand up to it.
Sign on exhibit: Measure your middle finger. If it’s longer than the others, you’re an alien halfbreed.
Exhibit: Three cups are on a table. A child is walking away with a fourth cup, the dad’s arm around the child’s shoulder.
Exhibit label: Has anyone seen my rabbit brain? It looks like a cherry, and I dropped it in a Jello cup.
Exhibit: A monstrous set of jaws open upward around a bed.
Sign on exhibit: Make your bed or monsters will know a kid lives there.
The center right room is ‘Concessions’. There are three booths.
Booth: A concession stand is labeled ‘KFP’, and displays a KFC-style bucket. A dad and child are eating.
Dad: The “P” is for “phoenix”.
Booth: A concession stand.
Sign on stand: Ground beef: Beef we found on the ground.
Dad, to child: Told you.
Booth: A stand shaped like a giant eye.
Booth label: EYES CREAM
Subtitle: How did you think it was spelled?
Sign on booth: Now with more of the goo in your eyes. Same as every other creamery.
The lower left room is ‘Conservatory of Poorly Remembered History’. There are five exhibits.
Exhibit: A man is riding a dragon.
Exhibit label: Genghis Khan: victory through dragons.
Exhibit: A criminal in front of some windows.
Exhibit label: The Crimean War: The first war against crime.
Exhibit: A castle with flags hanging on it.
Exhibit label: The Renaissance
Subtitle: Long story short, the wizards were in control.
Exhibit:A man in Jedi-style robes with a fake beard.
Exhibit label: Star Wars is a documentary. No, seriously.
Dad, to children: Kids, this man is a veteran.
The lower right room is ‘Rotunda of Uncomfortable Topics’. There are five exhibits.
Exhibit: A wrestling ring, with a man and woman mostly obscured by the exhibit label.
Exhibit label: Naked wrestling: perfectly normal. NEVER DO IT.
Exhibit: a figure sits at a booth in front of a bowl of food. The dad is holding a bottle.
Exhibit label: Alcohol is poison. I drink to save you from it.
Dad: You’re welcome.
Exhibit: A large bird.
Exhibit label: Mommies get big tummies before babies come because the stork likes chubby girls.
Exhibit: A rocket ship.
Sign on exhibit: Grandma’s not dead. She just returned to Saturn. For REVENGE.
In the areas outside the rooms, there are two more exhibits and restrooms, all clickable.
Exhibit: A dinosaur skeleton.
Exhibit label: That’s right. Dinosaurs were made entirely of BONES.
Dad, to kid: If you think about it, it makes sense.
Exhibit: A large image hangs on the wall. It is a dense squiggly jumble of lines.
Dad, to kids: You gotta squint juuust right.
Sign on exhibit: Magic eye trick that doesn’t actually work.
Restrooms: There are three doors, each with a sign.
First door (male logo): Men & Boys
Second door (female logo): Women & Girls
Third door (unrecognizable logo): Korgmen & Spangs