February 6, 2009
#540: Base System
[[A man and woman are talking; she’s sitting on the back of a chair with her feet on the seat, and he’s sitting on the floor facing her.]]
Woman: So how far did you get with her?
Man: Second base?
Woman: Wait, which one is that? Below the waist, but… not under the clothes?
Man: I think that’s… shortstop?
Woman: You should try crossing the pitcher’s mound. Then down the 50-yard line, and right past her ten-pin.
Man: Sounds tricky.
Woman: Yeah. Last time I tried it, I got a red flag. If you know what I mean.
Man: I really don’t.
[[A diagram of a baseball diamond.]]
The “Base” Metaphor Explained
[[Bases and x points are marked, as well as dashed lines covering the field.]]
[[Along the first base line is “Your Base”]]
[[Slightly right of that is a binary base:
0110 0010 0110 0001
0111 0011 0110 0101
0010 0000 0011 0010]
[[First base: Kissing]]
[[Second base: Hands under the shirt and
[[Third base: Oral sex (formerly “hands in the pants”)]]
((The following are x marks.
Slightly right of home plate: Eye contact.
Along the first base line: Passing notes.
Slightly before first base: Downloading Star Trek fanfiction and replacing Riker’s name with your Crush’s.
Right field: Eye contact from Janeane Garofalo.
Between the pitcher and second base: Using the scroll thingy on that one Apple mouse.
Near the shortstop: Dry humping.
Left of second base: Fursuits.
Farther left: Fursuits (crotchless).
Just before home plate: Thigh contact.
Beyond 3rd base, along the 3rd base line: Standing anywhere near Peaches.
Foul of the third base line: Anal sex (fill in your won “Foul Ball” pun here.)
Left outfield: 2outfielders1glove.
Left outfield: Retrograde wheelbarrow.))
((The following are dashed lines:
A region along the line from first to second base: The Boring Zone.
A line traveling across the second to third baseline, and towards home plate: The orgasm line. ((dry humping is on the “orgasm” side.))
Between third base and home: “Virginity” (Maginot) line.))
((Arrows pointing out various other features:
An arrow crossing the “Virginity” line: Teens.
An arrow nearer to home plate: Sharing root PWs.
An arrow crossing the orgasm line in the outfield: Napoleon’s forces.))