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February 6, 2009

#540: Base System

Base System

[[A man and woman are talking; she’s sitting on the back of a chair with her feet on the seat, and he’s sitting on the floor facing her.]]

Woman: So how far did you get with her?

Man: Second base?

Woman: Wait, which one is that? Below the waist, but… not under the clothes?

Man: I think that’s… shortstop?

Woman: You should try crossing the pitcher’s mound. Then down the 50-yard line, and right past her ten-pin.

Man: Sounds tricky.

Woman: Yeah. Last time I tried it, I got a red flag. If you know what I mean.

Man: I really don’t.

[[A diagram of a baseball diamond.]]

The “Base” Metaphor Explained

[[Bases and x points are marked, as well as dashed lines covering the field.]]

[[Along the first base line is “Your Base”]]

[[Slightly right of that is a binary base:

0110 0010 0110 0001

0111 0011 0110 0101

0010 0000 0011 0010]

[[First base: Kissing]]

[[Second base: Hands under the shirt and

or licking]]

[[Third base: Oral sex (formerly “hands in the pants”)]]

((The following are x marks.

Slightly right of home plate: Eye contact.

Along the first base line: Passing notes.

Slightly before first base: Downloading Star Trek fanfiction and replacing Riker’s name with your Crush’s.

Right field: Eye contact from Janeane Garofalo.

Between the pitcher and second base: Using the scroll thingy on that one Apple mouse.

Near the shortstop: Dry humping.

Left of second base: Fursuits.

Farther left: Fursuits (crotchless).

Just before home plate: Thigh contact.

Beyond 3rd base, along the 3rd base line: Standing anywhere near Peaches.

Foul of the third base line: Anal sex (fill in your won “Foul Ball” pun here.)

Left outfield: 2outfielders1glove.

Left outfield: Retrograde wheelbarrow.))

((The following are dashed lines:

A region along the line from first to second base: The Boring Zone.

A line traveling across the second to third baseline, and towards home plate: The orgasm line. ((dry humping is on the “orgasm” side.))

Between third base and home: “Virginity” (Maginot) line.))

((Arrows pointing out various other features:

An arrow crossing the “Virginity” line: Teens.

An arrow nearer to home plate: Sharing root PWs.

An arrow crossing the orgasm line in the outfield: Napoleon’s forces.))