October 29, 2008
#496: Secretary: Part 3
[[The confirmation hearings begin…]]
Senator: It appears you have quite an arrest record.
Senator: Is it true you completely disassembled someone’s car outside a Starbucks?
Hat Guy: It was parked across two spaces.
Senator: You stole a red Fokker triplane and strafed the snoopy float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade?
Hat Guy: Got three mimes, too.
Senator: You disrupted a 9
11 truth meeting, insisting the Twin Towers never actually collapsed?
Hat Guy: I have evidence! Don’t trust the media! Wake up, sheeple!
Senator: You were fired from Radio Shack after you built a death ray and vaporized a customer?
Hat Guy: I was just testing it! Figures that’d be the one day there was a shopper in the aisle.
Senator: And you were thrown out of Microsoft headquarters for… trying to feed a squirrel through a fax machine?
Hat Guy: I forgot about that! it was part of an argument with Steve Ballmer about Vista.
Which I won, by the way.
Senator: This is the worst history of vandalism, gleeful mayhem, and general recalcitrance we’ve seen in a nominee since Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Senator: And this–you stole a nuclear submarine?
Hat Guy: I plead the third.
Senator: You mean the fifth?
Hat Guy: No, the third.
Senator: You refuse to quarter troops in your house?
Hat Guy: I have few principles, but I stick to them.
[[Aboard Ron Paul’s blimp]]
Pilot: We’re nearing Washington, sir.
Wait… There’s something ahead on the sensors.
Pilot: It’s a balloon.
Ron Paul: …Oh, no.