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October 29, 2008

#496: Secretary: Part 3

Secretary: Part 3

[[The confirmation hearings begin…]]

Senator: It appears you have quite an arrest record.

Senator: Is it true you completely disassembled someone’s car outside a Starbucks?

Hat Guy: It was parked across two spaces.

Senator: You stole a red Fokker triplane and strafed the snoopy float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade?

Hat Guy: Got three mimes, too.

Senator: You disrupted a 9

11 truth meeting, insisting the Twin Towers never actually collapsed?

Hat Guy: I have evidence! Don’t trust the media! Wake up, sheeple!

Senator: You were fired from Radio Shack after you built a death ray and vaporized a customer?

Hat Guy: I was just testing it! Figures that’d be the one day there was a shopper in the aisle.

Senator: And you were thrown out of Microsoft headquarters for… trying to feed a squirrel through a fax machine?

Hat Guy: I forgot about that! it was part of an argument with Steve Ballmer about Vista.

Which I won, by the way.

Senator: This is the worst history of vandalism, gleeful mayhem, and general recalcitrance we’ve seen in a nominee since Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Senator: And this–you stole a nuclear submarine?

Hat Guy: I plead the third.

Senator: You mean the fifth?

Hat Guy: No, the third.

Senator: You refuse to quarter troops in your house?

Hat Guy: I have few principles, but I stick to them.


[[Aboard Ron Paul’s blimp]]

Pilot: We’re nearing Washington, sir.

Wait… There’s something ahead on the sensors.

Pilot: It’s a balloon.

Ron Paul: …Oh, no.