#141: Parody Week: Achewood explain

[Unlike regular xkcd comics, the text here seems to be typed on a machine, and the speech is in bubbles rather than just indicated with a thin line from the speaker. This is true for all spoken text. Also, Beef almost never uses any punctuation in his sentences.]

[Philippe, an anthropomorphic stuffed otter, is participating in a hearing aid test with headphones over his ears and one arm raised. He is at a doctor’s office, and behind him on the wall, there is an eye chart with six lines of E’s, the large one on top a regular E, and then in the next two lines they are turned around in the four general directions. The last three lines are not readable. The doctor talks to Philippe from off-panel in a bubble going to the far right. Here it meets a thought bubble line going down and left from the upper right corner. On the right side, the background is gray, and Philippe can be seen lying in a bed, dreaming the scene to the left.]

Doctor (off-panel): Philippe, your hearing is perfect! In fact, you heard ALL the beeps! You have super-hearing! You’re needed at Hogwarts!

Philippe: Oh boy!

Eye chart:

EШEMƎ

ƎEƎMƎME

[Roast Beef, an anthropomorphic thin cat with pointy ears and small eyes, is looking at Ray, an anthropomorphic fat cat with black glasses. He is reading from a piece of paper that has been folded out, holding it up in front of him with both hands. They are seen from the waist up. Most of the time below, their eyebrows are visible to show feelings, but Beef’s are not shown here. When they speak, their mouths are open, else they are closed. Beef’s is closed in this panel. Above the drawing, there is a line, and in the thin frame formed by that and the top panel, there is a caption:]

Meanwhile . . .

Ray: Beef, check this out. I got an invite to that The Dude Is Pretty Awesome In Most Measurable Ways I Mean Wow competition.

[This panel pans up so less of their bodies can be seen and more text can be seen above them. It is clear that Ray has a medal hanging around his neck, which was partly covered by his hands in the previous panel, which are now down. Apart from this, they look the same.]

Beef: Alright that is pretty sweet dogg what is your strategy gonna consist of

Ray: I’m thinkin’ I need to point out my best features – maybe go holdin’ a sign with an arrow toward my junk.

[Ray is seen almost in full figure, which reveals that he is only wearing big black underpants and the medal, his nipples also clearly visible on each side of the medal (as they were already in the previous panel, but not the one before). He has one arm at his side, the other holding a large sign with big bold text, and beneath this a large black arrow pointing first down and then across towards his pants waistband.]

Sign: Yes

[Back to same view as in the first panel, except a pan so Ray is in the center and Beef is partly cut off at the left frame so there is space for a speech bubble to the right of Ray. Ray holds up a drink glass in front of him with a cherry in the bottom. Beef’s eyebrows are missing.]

Beef: Yeah well I always said subtlety was your middle name dogg

Beef: And also your first and last in case they didn’t get the point

Ray: How do you think I should play it?

[Only Beef is shown in this panel to make room for his speech bubbles.]

Beef: Well basically you got no chance as I see it these dudes are all lovers and fighters to the last

Beef: All sprung fully formed from the head of Sweet Sweetback

Beef: You are gonna stand out as the sort of dude who stays at home all night playing fleshlight tag

[Both are again in this panel, but it has been panned up so only their heads are visible to place speech bubbles above them.]

Ray: These words you got are crazy. Didn’t I win the outdoor fight?

Beef: Uh huh about the fight I wasn’t gonna tell you but how could you miss that I was setting you up

Ray: What?

Beef: You got played dogg

[Same but panned down to below the medal on Ray. Beef’s eyebrows are missing.]

Beef: I basically just didn’t have the heart to go through with it in the end.

[Only Beef is shown to the right, making space for five speech bubbles to his left.]

Beef: Anyway the point is that you are gonna lose this thing so hard

Beef: All cheap McD’s hamburger to their slabs of steak

Beef: A couple 12-oz sirloins garnished with nothing but pure manhood

Beef: Maybe some sprigs of parsley

Beef: You are pretty much going down

[Closeup of a shocked Ray mouth hanging open.]

[Silence 1. Both are shown from the waistline and up standing looking slightly down, arms down. Ray has closed his mouth. Generally, their ears shift a bit from panel to panel the rest of the way, as has their head position, but else they stay the same distance from each other.]

[Silence 2. Same view. Beef looks perturbed, and his ear is twitching. Ray’s mouth is open again.]

[Silence 3. Same view. Beef looks sorry. Ray has closed his mouth.]

[Silence 4. Same view. Beef looks sorry and Ray looks angry. Ray’s mouth is open again.]

[Silence 5. Same view. Ray has closed his mouth again. Beef’s eyebrows are missing, but also Ray’s are gone, maybe hidden by the rim of the glasses. They do not reappear in the rest of the comic, indicating that he keeps his eyes downcast. ]

[Silence 6. Same view. Beef’s eyebrows are back.]

[Silence 7. The view has panned so low that it is possible to see the waistband of Ray’s underpants. Beef is looking even more down and has moved closer to Ray whose mouth is open again.]

[Silence 8. Same view, but a little less waistband visible. Beef has moved back agai. His eyebrows are missing and his mouth is open, and Ray looks even more down than before, still mouth open.]

[Silence 9. View panned so low that a large part of Ray’s underpants can be seen. Beef is looking down, mouth closes with eyebrows, Ray standing more straight, still mouth open.]

[Silence 10. Beef looks surprised with eyebrows raised and has moved close to Ray, who has finally closed his mouth again.]